To my thoughtful, inquisitive, silly little boy:
Finnegan, today we are due to meet your new brother. In the days or weeks to come, you couldn’t possibly imagine how much your world is going to change. We have spent two years learning and adjusting to how we live with one another and the growing pains have been hard. But at the end of each day, I lay in bed, exhausted, and always think of how grateful I am that you are in my life, that I get the privilege of spending so much of my time with you, and that you feel loved and safe when you are with me. I am grateful for your healthy body, your huge, wild personality, your concern for others, and your enormous, silly smile. You are an incredible, indescribable force that has afforded me more joy than I thought I was capable of.
As we wait for your brother to make his appearance, I feel cautious and reserved excitement at best. At worst, I feel absolute dread and fear. I worry for the both of us. Most of the time I feel sad about the end of our era — the countless, sometimes mind-numbingly long days that we have spent, one-on-one, are now over and I know I will soon long for the days when I’ve spent an entire afternoon on the rug with you pushing cars around in a line. The guilt I feel about how numbered these days are brings a physical sickness upon me. I feel an odd mixture of both shame and pride when I can’t imagine loving another in the way that I love you. For weeks now, I have excitedly anticipated the pitter patter of your footsteps down the hall in the middle of the night toward my room. No longer frustrated that you want to sleep next to me, I scoop you up and soak in every last touch, every last stroke of your hand in my hair and on my cheek, the way you put your arm around my neck and breathe small, even breaths on my face. I lay awake and search your face, reflecting moonlight, and can’t help but think that there could be nothing more beautiful or meaningful than you. I can’t imagine the pain, frustration, exhaustion, or confusion that we will both feel in the weeks to come. I pray that these feelings are also matched with excitement and the widening of our hearts. I can’t imagine it, but then again, I couldn’t have imagined this love I have for you either.
I love you so.