So we’re having another baby.
This time feels very different: it was planned (yep, that’s new to us), I haven’t been nearly as sick thus far, I sort of know what to expect (I will laugh at myself for saying this later), and I already have one and thus understand all the vast mysteries of life. So far my “symptoms” include a bit of barfing, lots of headaches, insomnia, sciatica, and lots of first trimester lower-lip-quivering crying. Which brings me to a list of things I have pregnancy-hormone cried over (which should not be confused with my bi-monthly cry-fest wrought on by hearing of any child anywhere suffering from a serious and life threatening illness):
–A basketball player helping his teammate up in the middle of a game (I have never watched a basketball game and saw this in passing)
–A YouTube rabbit hole that started with “baby singing”
–When Beyonce hit a high note on an album she (obviously) already recorded
I’m seventeen weeks into the growth of this new little one (that is almost halfway in layman’s terms), still feeling pretty disconnected from him/her, despite the random little baby movements I feel and my quickly growing baby belly (I mean to say that my belly looks just like Finn’s). I struggled with these same feelings last time as well and I can’t help but think this comes from some sort of internal mechanism that steps in and tries to protect mamas, or at least this one, from what could be a loss. Either that or I’m so unimaginative that I can’t picture life with two littles. It is probably a bit of both. New feelings are arising as well and they sound something like this: How could I possibly expel more love? How could there ever be another person in the world I like as much as Finn? Will Finn be my favorite forever? Am I terrible for already pinning my children against each other? And so on.
We aren’t doing much by way of preparing FFC for the upheaval in his future, other than reading him books about being a big brother that he certainly doesn’t follow quite yet. I rather enjoy this time, though, the few precious months that remain in which he is my one and only. I’m happy to keep him in the dark for a bit longer so we can go on enjoying life as is. At this point I can’t help but only feel bad for what we are about to “do” to him since, as I’ve learned from his big brother books, it will be a really long time before he can reap the benefits of a sibling.