My beautiful, magical little boy,
Many days I feel a horrible ache in my chest as I realize how many more things I could be doing to help you grow into your best you. I get pissed off, realizing that you won’t have the Montessori nursery that other kids enjoy; I become annoyed when I roll over to sleep at night and the realization flies through my mind that yet another day has passed and I didn’t pick up my parenting book; I get angry when I think about all the time that you’ve missed with your extended family; I fall into a deep, painful sadness when my inadequacies as a person seem so clear — my inability to pull things together, for you and for myself. Today I was sad as I walked through Whole Foods, carefully comparing the prices of all of the different cheeses, weighing my options based on what I think you’d like and what we can afford. I want so much to give your perfect little body nothing but the best. But today I walked away empty-handed. I fought back tears as I made my way to my car through the parking lot.
I drove home. The house was quiet as both you and Papa were napping. As I walked down the hall, you woke up. I went to your room, scooped you into my arms, and held you for a few minutes, enjoying those groggy moments between sleep and awake when you want nothing more than to be with me, held tight. After that, you and Papa picked up where you left off playing. You were wild with laughter and it was infectious. We three spent the rest of the night together cooking dinner, playing in the dryer, tinkering with different kitchen tools. You were ecstatic.
Tonight, as I watched on, I could see how much you love your life. It was an incredible moment; humbling in a way unlike any I’d experienced. It was the reminder that I needed that it is my job to teach you to be grateful for what you have and to think of those who go without. It was a reminder that above all, you flourish most when you are loved. Sweet boy, I can promise you that I’ll make a lot of mistakes and I will never be able to give you as much as I’d hoped, but I can also promise you that you have my deepest and most desperate love forever and ever.
Finnegan, thank you for who you are. Mama loves you.
Photography by Pressed + Brewed Photography.