Wait, what? Oh, I have a blog? That’s right… I forgot because I haven’t been sleeping and I’m trying to get better at taking care of myself in addition to taking care of a baby. Justin literally had to intervene last week and tell me that going to the grocery store and eating things other than peanut butter and jelly is a part of life that I have to participate in. I’m not going to sugarcoat it: this month has been really tough. I’m very tired and some days I feel absolutely worn into the ground. I run to Finn’s side when he takes off wailing, check off all possible reasons for his discomfort, and find myself staring at his sad, sweet little red face feeling as exasperated as he is. In a mixed bag of good and bad, I think I’m realizing that he is teething because he’s up so. many. times. a night. A few weeks back I decided to put Finn through my own special hell: no excuses, no easy fixes, lose the pacifier and kills the bad habits sleep camp. This was brought about because all of the sudden Finn started sleeping absolutely horribly (up five or six times a night!). And guess what? Finn won that one. We’re back to heavily relying on the paci, but in moderate news, Finn is able to settle himself back to sleep in the middle of the night sometimes and slightly more than moderate news he is also able to fall asleep for a nap or bedtime by himself more and more often.
Part of the reason I started this blog was to (hopefully) reach out to other women about the ups and downs of motherhood in a way that would make them feel less self-doubt, less inferior, less less-than-perfect, and more normal in their struggles, annoyances, in my case: complete lack of know how. With my little soapbox here, I am always typing and retyping sentences trying to strike a balance between relatability/honesty and encouragement. But tonight is one of those nights where I’m drained of positivity, thinking about the busy week to come, and I’d really just like to eat mac & cheese straight from the pot and not stop until I’ve rewatched the entire Friday Night Lights series again.
Motherhood can feel isolating in some ways. Some nights when I put Finn to sleep I feel relief, energy springs up from I have no idea where, and I take off doing things that I love. Others, I feel panicked because I fear the hours to come and I avoid going to bed. Will I get sleep? How many times will I wake up and be unable to fall asleep because I just know that Finn will be up soon and wanting my touch? These long nights feel lonely and as if they will never end sometimes. The middle of the night is often a dark time for me.
In all of this, something that constantly comes to mind as I wade through these challenges is that I cannot believe that there are so many mothers in the world at this moment who are exuding the absolute deepest measures of patience for their children all the time. The number of women digging deep, scraping for for another ounce of energy or motivation blows my mind. It truly restores and continuously deepens my faith in humanity. Love is a very powerful and motivating thing and it is really incredible to see how transformative it can be.