TRYING TIMES.

This is how I woke up from a two hour nap today...

...at least one of us is feeling  rested. (Hi little teeth!!!)

Wait, what? Oh, I have a blog? That’s right… I forgot because I haven’t been sleeping and I’m trying to get better at taking care of myself in addition to taking care of a baby. Justin literally had to intervene last week and tell me that going to the grocery store and eating things other than peanut butter and jelly is a part of life that I have to participate in. I’m not going to sugarcoat it: this month has been really tough. I’m very tired and some days I feel absolutely worn into the ground. I run to Finn’s side when he takes off wailing, check off all possible reasons for his discomfort, and find myself staring at his sad, sweet little red face feeling as exasperated as he is. In a mixed bag of good and bad, I think I’m realizing that he is teething because he’s up so. many. times. a night. A few weeks back I decided to put Finn through my own special hell: no excuses, no easy fixes, lose the pacifier and kills the bad habits sleep camp. This was brought about because all of the sudden Finn started sleeping absolutely horribly (up five or six times a night!). And guess what? Finn won that one. We’re back to heavily relying on the paci, but in moderate news, Finn is able to settle himself back to sleep in the middle of the night sometimes and slightly more than moderate news he is also able to fall asleep for a nap or bedtime by himself more and more often.

Part of the reason I started this blog was to (hopefully) reach out to other women about the ups and downs of motherhood in a way that would make them feel less self-doubt, less inferior, less less-than-perfect, and more normal in their struggles, annoyances, in my case: complete lack of know how. With my little soapbox here, I am always typing and retyping sentences trying to strike a balance between relatability/honesty and encouragement. But tonight is one of those nights where I’m drained of positivity, thinking about the busy week to come, and I’d really just like to eat mac & cheese straight from the pot and not stop until I’ve rewatched the entire Friday Night Lights series again.

Motherhood can feel isolating in some ways. Some nights when I put Finn to sleep I feel relief, energy springs up from I have no idea where, and I take off doing things that I love. Others, I feel panicked because I fear the hours to come and I avoid going to bed. Will I get sleep? How many times will I wake up and be unable to fall asleep because I just know that Finn will be up soon and wanting my touch? These long nights feel lonely and as if they will never end sometimes. The middle of the night is often a dark time for me.

In all of this, something that constantly comes to mind as I wade through these challenges is that I cannot believe that there are so many mothers in the world at this moment who are exuding the absolute deepest measures of patience for their children all the time. The number of women digging deep, scraping for for another ounce of energy or motivation blows my mind. It truly restores and continuously deepens my faith in humanity. Love is a very powerful and motivating thing and it is really incredible to see how transformative it can be.

4 Comments

Add yours →

  1. This is a great post! We all go through these times and few admit it. You are a great mom and you are doing your very best. Finn will know that and that you love him VERY much.

    Like

  2. Hey Megan!
    It's 4:15am and I have a fussy baby who finally decided to stop crying and settle down for the “night”, so I understand. The nights are always my dark time too, and I completely feel your frustration! I have loved your blog, you are one of the activities I turn to during the night to enjoy when my little guy decides that eating is a good thing, haha 🙂 Hope your nights Start to fill with more sleep soon!
    -Kristen Mancino

    Like

  3. Kristen,

    CONGRATS on your precious little babe. He is soo sweet and soo cute!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh pics of his little sweet sleepy baby face make me want to cry or have 57 babies or something!!! Without having ever met your husband, I can still see without a doubt that he has a teeny tiny twin.

    BUT ANYWAY, you're about two weeks in right now, right? Is your baby starting to not look cute at 3am anymore? ha. That is definitely how I felt. Surely, I loved him at 3am, but I also never wanted to see him then again. My bit of (unsolicited) encouragement is that you will totally get used to sleeping like 1/4 the amount you used to, 1/5 the amount you would prefer to. Give yourself 2 or 3 more weeks and you'll be shocked at how functional you feel 🙂 I mean, it isn't fun, but your brain will actual sort of work.

    I am so glad you're enjoying my blog and it's nice to know someone out there is relating to how I'm feeling. Just know that when you're up at 4:15am I probably am too, scanning through blogs or Instagram on my phone. You are not alone! And you have a son lucky enough to have a mom willing to make huge sacrifices for him.

    Best of luck!

    Like

  4. Thank you! If I don't survive the sleep deprivation, please repeat that last part to Finn as soon as he understands English.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: