I’m not big on New Years Resolutions basically because I know myself and I’d be setting myself up for failure. Last night, however, I got to thinking about it over dinner while JN and CN told me about theirs. The last weeks of Justin’s semester were brutal: Finn started teething and stopped napping, I had a lot more on my plate at work, I was making Christmas gifts and rounding up the ones to be purchased, preparing for our trip to California, and Justin was at school all day, every day, only to come home briefly for dinner and rush back to the library until midnight. I thought about writing on the chaos that was my life during that time, about how overwhelmed I was by Finn, but the internet is forever, friends, and I can’t just commit the thoughts I had about leaving my baby at a monastery to the World Wide Web, only to be used against me later.
But I digress. In a sea of responsibility, I was feeling pulled in a million directions all at once, only to find that I wasn’t doing any one single task very well at all. While at work, I missed Finn and wished to be with him. While doing bookkeeping from home, I wished to be cooking a meal while also feeling frustrated that Finn required so much constant attention. While with Finn, I often wished I could be doing anything else. He was so miserable and whiny and I was in need of a break in a really big way.
With all that said, my goal for the coming months is to work on my mindset when tackling responsibility or experiencing the joy that is my son. When I am with Finn, I will really be with him. He can have my full attention (as much as I am able to give it). We can play and he can stick his fingers in my mouth or poke me in the eye and I’ll (try to!) not get angry when he won’t let me relax and I’ll be more invested in him, instead of simply keeping him quiet. Soon enough, he will soak up my every look and sigh, and when that day comes I don’t want him to feel as though he is a burden that distracts me from the rest of my life. On the other hand, while I’m at work I will be fully engaged. I won’t juggle my responsibilities while texting Justin a question that can wait or ask for an update on Finn when I already know that he is perfectly fine. If I immerse myself more fully in what I’m doing in the moment, I think my stress level will decrease and I will find joy in a deep breath and the satisfaction of a job well done instead of worrying about my next step or my to do list at work while I’m at home.
The other promise I’m making to myself is to stop talking poorly about my post baby body, which admittedly happens a TON. I’m officially done because yeah, there are things I’d like to change, but I’m sick of worrying about it and ready to get on with my life. I’m healthy and I need to keep reminding myself of the thoughts I recorded here. All is well.